Quote

"A problem only becomes a problem when seen as a " Problem. ". Adversity yields some opportunity-each time.

Now or Never

I took a turn and stood still...blank ..She kept her flow intact....finally "ah what happened?" askd ma'm.I simply smiled ...........hiding my embarrassment.She smiled back.I nodded and  requested her to repeat from the beginning.
Where had I been in past 5 secs ...I had been in Heaven..realising the fact that yes finally am here.

I find myself in A big room with no of students....big and airy windows....a small low platform deewan bed with white sheet below one wall with a set of tabla on it .. today is my 5th class.Its like most thought...most dreamt day...a longing for years....has come to an end... am living it...loving it...at the same time.

                                                "ta thei thei tatt aa thei thei tatt...trigda dig dig thei. trigda dig dig thei...trigda dig dig thei.." like many sounds continuously goes into my ears..and I find myself concentrating on each word of hers....repeatedly doing something...patting my feet in sync with her voice...folding my fingers in some beautiful manner ..my hands freely flowing in out in air...making some postures...bending a lil..right..left...my head shakes a lil with each movement of my hands....my eyes too....taking turns..rounds..in between..single or triplets.
I forget office...I forget home...I forget myself.....I forget almost everything....for that 1 hour.

Dance has been my childhood passion...I have always been fantasizing about performing in some classical dance concert on stage....I like those apparels classical dancers wear ...the whole set up..stage..light..sound...expressions....and the aura.They are always epitome of our traditional,historical wealth.It carries beauty and grace...sensations and depth.Elegance.some story....or message..It reaches up to somewhere inside.

When I was small kid I wanted to do lot of things,like to play piano...to take classical dance tuition...to join some sketching class....to do yoga class....but I cudnt do all that....most I cud do , took part in each n every cultural fest used to happen in school..or college..each time I got to know about any dance/ art competition..I use to try my best to take part..getting permission from parents,asking for form fee,arrangements for makeup n all.
Being from a joint family of 12-13people..n only girl among 5 brothers..I had been kind of invisible in family....no one actually cared much then..what I like what not...mmy was d only one.

• I remember one incident,........I was in class 5th I think...and next day morning, I had to perform on a "Vandana"(prayer song) in college function for which I needed a yellow south silk saree with golden border...and Gazra'(a flower garland Indian women use as ornament.) Saree was no issue...generally gazra could be seen at flower stalls near temples...but that evening I cudn't find it anywhere,searched number of temples and shops.And It was assumed to be one necessary thing for Vandana performance.I was so sad....with the thought that I will be performing without gazra.Late night I found mmy doing something with white non-transparent plastic carry bags and scissors.I sat there...looking carefully.....kept on watching her what she's up to.She cut them in rectangular size slips and then trimmed its left n right edges leaving it look like a comb at both sides.then she woven them into a thread using needle ,rotating it multiple times and artificial shiny gazra was ready.Taking measurements....She made two for each of my hands round like bangles, two for ankles like anklets,one long for neck like garland and one for hair.I took them into my hands....watched them for long..I was amazed....thinking what an idea she had.That was the first day I got to know how indigenous my mom is.Am proud of her.
  She always have a solution to my problems.

• One more incident..I remember....was in 4th.I had short hairs,"boycut"....so I had to fix one long artificial plaits of hair putting lots of pins in head in each dance performance.During one of such performances...I was wearing red lehnga,bangles and all....I shook and took a round....Suddenly I felt my head lighter...as soon as I sensed..saw my plait lying at distance on stage....I got stunned...cud felt my ears turning hot....in that single second heard mom's voice "poonam don't stop don't stop.." Though...I cudnt locate her in those colorful flash lights.....but I managed the moment and dint stop.Finishing my performance..when stage got darker....I picked up my plait(choti) and ran from the stage and prayed harder  to  God that no one wud have noticed my poor luck.Later prize distribution started ...consolation prizes were given....then Third,Second and finally First prize was announced.....and my name was nowhere.My heart was sinking.....I had my eyes full of tears...vision got blurred...heard anchor telling the audience about some "special prize" they had started from that year..and  my name was called out....I rubbed my eyes,wiped up cheeks...rushed to stage...   and   that day   I  got to know what does "seventh heaven" mean.Though I cud manage to won special prize ,reaching home I cried and cried my heart full...blaming mmy for keeping my hairs so short ..and making me victim of embarrassment on stage. We decided that she wont cut my hairs from then onwards.And later I became the girl with longest hairs among my classmates.But people who know this incident..still make fun of me. :(

When she joined her job,she had to stay in a different city than ours for 3-4 years,I was around 12.after that.. I rarely danced..and gradually it all stopped.

Today recalling all those things.. fills me with nice feeling.

Belonging to a family where if a girl child is good in studies ,she's supposed to be a meritorious  Doc or Engineer else to get married at 22 with some "rich "only" son" and have kids..as simple as that.Fortunately or unfortunately...I dint fall typically in any of the categories...being good enough in studies I had an inclination towards arts n music...arts means any art.

• I liked playing with pencils or colors on paper...giving it some shape..some meaning...colors attract me naturally...beauty attracts me..nature attracts me.

• I like to read ...sitting in serene silence..lonely.. near a window and lost in a book....is the best way I like to spend my leisure... though I don't find this peace often now.

• I like to write...pen down thoughts,dreams,observations,perceptions,experiences...and discuss with like/different minded people.
• Music......old songs..gazals..spiritual songs..I like the beats..sound of guitar..or flute..tabla..instruments having a soft n soothing tone...

 I am learning to play guitar too..its fun...pores of my left hand fingers..are so rough now...pressing the chords...am playing "every night in my dreams I see you I feel you-titanic" these days.

Going to institute is something I wait for...Reaching home after work in evening ..taking tea..I rush to be there.Aur mmy ka roz ka dialog.."thak gayi ho toh rehne do na aaj..mat jao" :P For her, me joining "kathak" classes at this point of time is "not a poonam type-o" thing.
                                                                                                    It actually wasn't easy ...It took me almost two years ...gathering the courage to go and take admission in institute..each time I use to think of it..I was set aback..  by  some fears..    some  unknown fears.But....we often forget that there will be no "single" day when all  the  things will be in place...when you will be having everyhting you desire.......when you will hav e all the  leisure and no commitments to fulfill...........   when life wud be perfect.Its now or never........And I had forgotten this.Thanks to one special person....who made this  happen.         
 I  get to know the value of  doing..................what I like to do.

It fills me with pleasure...and contentment.It makes me feel...a bit more complete.

:)

                                                                           

blog template :P

This blog template looks like some Marriage card ..right?  Its so bright and all red-red..and the color combo too.I know. :P Each time I come to my page..i think of changing it...and other moment i dismiss d idea..and smile with a wink ...rehne de yar.There's one more reason..it keeps me reminding smthing ,that now its time to order print some hundreds of cards ..  :)

The Drama Continues !

Sometimes I feel like I'm a character from some blockbuster novel or play. My life(till date).... and incidences(variety of).. that happen to me....seem quite dramatic...all the time

.Be it The one big family I belong to...with the package of "ham sath-sath hain".....baggage n burden of middle class(no offence) etiquette,values,dreams,aspirations.... and the most...society fears("log kya kahenge").....friends..residing in town/metro cities....with their experiences they share ....experiences from personal,social,professional life....... ..neighbours....with their killing sense of understanding and sympathy...relatives...with their extreme concern(interference) and affection ....The Sarkari (Govt.) colleagues...including Babus(clerks),Adhikaris(officers) and peons
or the new 20 people(at least) I meet daily with....showing 101 strange shades of mankind....anyways.

I think many people feel the same...once or often in their lifetime...when the stories they heard/read long before... from any real life source...actually happen to them.When they see ..feel the same things & situations around...with them.

 Its funny and exhausting both...at the same time.

I watch people....their actions..I listen people..their dialogues...I observe the behavior... tone...words...attitude..and feelings involved...I guess their intentions...its all very much...

I think I don't get the "right" word.....and its even better :P

• I sit blank...silently....and this is more frequent now.

One Wish !

One wish

"To see an old woman on a bench in a park in a winter sunny noon with an old man besides her ,holding her hands...softly."
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& that old woman  resembles me !

Being 25 Someone..

Aah long time...But it feels as good and satisfying as it was ,the day I wrote my first post on this blog.Hmm...anyws.

&l·Sometimes I look into mirror and wonder...at this point of life...when am 25...two years back,though its a long period but still not that much long ....I could not imagine in my weirdest dream.. I wud be here..life is quite unpredictable...but here only lies its beauty..in its unpredictability.You never know whts gonna happen tomorrow.

&l· The biggest change of this year...job...stable professional life...kinda I always wanted.My work keeps me busy interacting with lots of people daily....different people...have to deal with different tempraments...nature..perspectives...attitude....n lots of things..and everyone is unique in his own way...sometimes its pleasant...sometimes irritating...but its always interesting for sure.By each passing day,I learn something.

      ·  Its been an year of change ...an year of drastic change..

At this age you start talking less..and listening more.You start taking life seriously.....means you start being coward...hmm dn know....but you are always thoughtful...of lot many things....you look before you leap.coz now none of your actions can be taken as kiddish...you have to be responsible of both ..your actions and your words.

 ·You start loving and caring your parents a li'l more...reason can be they dont seem that much rigid & authoritative as they used to...earlier or you now realise what its really like to be parents....and you are overwhelmed before them....or you feel yourself more responsible now...of taking good care of them.

  t; ·You identify with people easily now ...with whom you can be friends...with whom you may have issues..on the level of compatibility....so you start acting accordingly...shud I say you become more intelligent...ahh No.

Of course you look better ...and sometimes your best,you ever looked till date...this feeling is satisfying...and that day you love yourself a bit more...and may be someone else too.. :P

&  ·You are quite clear about what you want in your life and what you don’t.Can’t say whats the exact reason but you start feeling yourself stronger comparing to your yesteryears...stronger in no. of aspects.

Now you are living in one real world...no fascinations...you see things as they are...and when everything is perfect... you doubt.

     One more thing,you almost hate your relatives,who are left with no other job than to find you a right match.Once you get married....anyhow..means anyhow...than they will live happily ever after.HUH!

·You think about love ...you think about money...you think about future...you think about marriage... :P sm other time.

Life moves on a faster pace .

Jyoti Sahu :P

It's like.....any other day in a govt. office...it can be..lot of people in premises...buzzing noise all around...everyone seems to be quite busy...
He's a man of age around 40-45....dark complexion....with a bulky figure..put an application on my desk.I notice the name at the last and signature too.

I ,-"one minute Sir,but you will have to get them here.".
He,-"who?"
I,-"Jyoti Sahu." (with an expression-"who else?")

Saying this I put my head into work again,thought people really want their work to be done ,sitting at home only,take some time out yar.But soon I realise He's still here and ....about to ask something..but I don't get the reason.

I (look upon him ,try to smile even ,though fake)-,"Sir,get madam here someday,and it will take only 5mins.But she needs to be here for that purpose."
He(Finally gathers some courage ),-"but Why does she need to be here Ma'm?"
I ,-"I will talk to you only when Jyoti Madam wud be here."
He,"Are Ma'm but I am Jyoti Sahu only"
I(with real surprise in eyes),-"You are Jyoti Sahu?"
He,(in a low voice)-"Yes".
Till he completes his "yes",I dont know how( how kya anyone cud have done the same) ,
I repeated,-"You are Jyoti Sahu?"
huh!
Till Now everyone around us was aware that I had a doubt about his name...and his identity and don't know , many more things :P ..And people were looking at us...

He,-"Should I sign again in front of you?"
I,-"aaaa.....yes"(pleease..and don't shout after that :-S)
He signed again,and I found it was his sign and his "name" too :P
I smiled in best close-up smile(of gratitude..that he dint shout),
saying-"Ohh Sir ...thats fine,absolutely fine"

Who says, we always know when we are making a mistake?
I thanked to my God!
Pheww!! :P

A New Birth..

Its strange and charismatic alltogether how life unfolds itself... from one page to the other..other...which is blank..totally..like a long played song on a music player is changed..it gets your sudden attention...and you quite unlike it...when everything becomes a null....completely...Its like a beautiful painting on a canvas is cleaned up by a rag atonce...and now there's no color..no images..no sound...no emotions...no feelings..no hope...no dreams...no likes..no dislikes...everything is okay...and everything is not..and interestingly you are sure of one thing, you never get to know.."what wrong did I really do to get this"....

And gradually Life takes a "S" turn,I would say :P......and leaves you smiling. Each block of life itself connects to the right place.....& the music is On...once again.
"It" is like a new birth.

Today!

Quest

I wish I wake up next morning knowing what i want..what i want to do..what i have to achieve in life..where i have to go..what really can make me happy..where should i head towards...where i wud.find peace..if ever i wud... what's right for me and what's not...why d hell am living?

no single reason.

Life Teaches you!

Life teaches you...yes it does . I thought I knew myself...but I was wrong.I thought I had not been wrong...but I was wrong...I thought destiny betrays...but I was wrong..I thought things will never change..but I was wrong.I thought life has ended...but I was wrong.

Actually its real difficult sometimes to accept your faults..specially when you are going through tough time.....but as time grows and you see the picture articulating number of perspective then you smile and say..."ohh yar,ye toh hona hi tha.".


Acceptance is Bliss & Destiny has its own rewards!
:)

Being 24 Someone

• Being 24 someone..and again Its not about years or time but more about the growing phase...growing at personal,social and perhaps so many levels.It is bit different for me from what it could be for anyone else,reasons are many though not quite obvious ones.Let it be.
  
  
• Now I am being counted among grown ups,childhood finally gone (though not really,I am not gonna leave that innocence ever ) .I dont know why,but somewhere I am sure that this year gonna be a turning point of my life.Or should I say it is..actually.

• I see everything like a curious kid.The world is new and bigger,the people are interesting and ambitions are on a high. Now I know a bit more about everything।My world is expanding।I have a better understanding of people,relationships and their right place and importance in life।I have a more clear picture of society ।I know a bit more of "me" today.I am a bit closer to everyone.

• Though being rich in many virtues,I now feel I'd been unknown to one major aspect that's called "Individuality".I'd kind of time that kept me at bay to this word".I dint know the meaning of words like "I", "Me" ,before.
  This is the age when someone really searches out for his/her identity.Uniqueness through which he/she should be known among people, now onwards.At this age we need to have a place in people's heart,a place in the society we encounter with. It can also be taken as the only thing that keeps you motivated to do better and better by each passing day.
  
• 
  This time , just after you complete your college , you see a totally new world . The real world.One thats not smooth , it's rough.You find out that life is neither black nor white,it has a shade of grey.Many a times you find yourself being trapped between rights & wrongs, mind & heart, Moral & logics.It all needs a good balance between the two,and this ratio defines actually the way "You" are.
  
• 
  This is perhaps the peak of youth,when you have so many things on your mind to do,so many aspirations,so many dreams.You are full of viguor and with each of your achievement you tend to love and pamper yourself a bit more.You want to try each and everything you see around.No doubt money has an important role in your life to play,and in today's time...sometimes most important.
  
• 
  You see things from a better perspective.You work on yourself,sharpen yourself.You put yourself in challenging situations at times and check if you can survive through them well.You go out of your reach to meet new people,new ideas,new perceptions.You are quite fascinated towards new things in life. Things that may keep you interested.
  

• You know well what's right and what's wrong coz you have just left the place of idealistic thoughts , the concept of perfect world and people.But as you are in the process of establishing familiarity with this real world..you see and listen..and understand...somehow contradictory concepts.
• Sometimes you are just full of hope and courage or............. sometimes even aggression enough ............that you can change the scene.But later you realise actually........ problems always 'have been more or less same,those faced by our ancestors.....and today us......ranging from professional life,society ect .....to personal one.It all depends how you take it and if really try to make a change . You have got two options One - do what everyone's doing or does or would have done , Follow things blindly.....unconsciously....a path to a monotonic life, Second - take a path,you think is right and better.The way you wanna spend it.....things you wanna do..see things your way,do things your way.
• So you know somewhere inside...things gonna make you confused in near future...and that's your test actually.One that life takes !!
  


• You love your people.You love your friends and you tend to go out of your way to save them,to keep them happy.You face times of failure & disappointments...and sometimes mistakes.But if you are a positive persona..you take each of your mistake as lesson and things become easy then.One major aspect.....lonliness .
• Sometimes you feel a need of a person,or of an ideal relationship.That can put you in your higher spirits each time you feel low.It can b anyone who may keep you motivated...towards positive part of life . Anyone..means anyone,who don't let you feel tired... or inefficient.Someone who can be always there with you ,in your difficulties.Most importantly....One who trust you and in your abilities.

So over-all, there are so many things.

Sometimes,I feel awesome.
Lovely phase.

He asks 'Why should I marry' !

It begins from the very first day itself,where the coy looks,eagerness in her expression covers a calm desire to change everything.While you put an earnest front to actually impress her,she is studying your body language,your table manners and the alignment of your nose and mouth.
For starters,she decides your grooming plan.With the commencement of the main course,she judges your relationship with your family,by desserts she casually ask about your women friends.By the time you have dropped her home,she's worked out a long term plan for your rehabilitation.Of course,she's picked up her share of the tab,for equality of sexes ranks high on her social etiquette.But trust me,that is the last time,she pays for anything.
So,you begin courting and are surprised that she's easy going.She lets you choose your clothes,agrees to your choice of restaurants and movies and befriends all your women friends.

The Transformation :
When the courtship converts to marriage,there's an organic power unleashed which quietly transforms her.Gone is the tolerant ,confirming woman to be replaced by an artist who is hell-bent on bringing a renaissance in your life.Your old friends are either too complex or uncool and any independent social activity will meet with the retort,"Why did you marry me if all you want to do is hang out with your friends?" The most extinct species in your relationship will be your platonic female friends.
The T-Rex may have a chance of reappearing but not them.The reason-she will be crisply cordial to them,because she expects the same reciprocity towards her Male friends.
Many a battle will take place on this battlefield.You will now need to ration your feelings for the rest of world.She decides on the movie,the restaurants,the holiday destinations,the design of the house,your clothes..you pay for her jewellery,put her name in your investment beneficiary,even let the in-laws stay at your place for one month,yet she makes you feel as if you haven't done enough.

True Lies :

The only thing you did without her knowledge was taking toilet breaks,but the dribble on the toilet seat 'reflects your upbringing' . Slowly you seek recourse to that one important glue which holds many a marriage together-the fine art of 'white lies'.
You could smoke a cigarette,spend an idle afternoon with your college mate,link up through Facebook with an old platonic woman friend..only a white lie will help to cover this.Try coming home one day and proclaiming,"Honey ,I'hv decided to take Salsa classes !".
Strangely,the absolute truth is the biggest casualty in a marriage and you realise that lies,deceit and quiet compliance with slow suffering becomes the order of the day.Compromise is king.So why marry and mould yourself,why check into an institution where there's a self-assessment test each day?
Any answers?

Source : extracts of an artical
Interesting,funny and quite true!


'

I/W

And my mock interview feedback was---"Poonam ,your eyes speak louder than you."
:O
It really made me confused for a sec. ,and I looked back abruptly.The panel smiled..so did I.

Personal Dictionaries

There are lots of words which were always there in my dictionary of life but not with these meanings.Its amazing ,you think of a word and how instantly an image or impression takes shape into your mind.God almighty is really a great creater.

Same words can have different meanings for different people.It differs quite due to the life we live.... our individual encounters throughout and now I feel Age too play an important role.As I get completely different images when I speak them.what about you.
Take a look..


I ...Me.... only "Me"

You....your

Love....Friendship

Family..... Relationships

People....Society

Being practical...Faith

Values....Conscience

Lust

Beauty....manner

Originality

Mind Games

Marriage

Character

Adjustments

Honesty.....lies

Strength...weakness

Commitment

Career...Money

Educated....literate

Pride....Ego

Affection...opportunist

Fake...soul

Life...death

Human...animal

and many more...

And "Love" has been most beautiful word for me.It makes me what I am.
:)

Strange!

Have you ever been in a state when you get the thing, you desired for passionately... still you don't feel as much happy or content as you have ever hoped,you would. Therr's always something missing.
And sometimes things you never thought can please you ever,gives you tremendous happiness.

Yes,its strange but it happens..

Quote

If you are meeting frequently,keep a check.You are likely to fall in love.So..better stay away from Dogs/bitches.

In One Word

In one word..my life is ..."Miraculous".

Finally..

Finally...the day came.A alot of people in house,noisy it was.I was the only one running all around..the provider..someone needs tea,the other coffee,kids cold drinks....ahh,it was damm tiring.But the day proved out to be memorable one.. surprising...left so may people with tears in eyes and smile on lips together.

She came to me,took chair.. said in a low volume,"its all final.".
And I atonce turned to her,it took me 2minutes to accept the fact that she's really going.I was damm happy for her..more than anyone.She too was all in tears but I could see the shine too.I gave her a warm hug like an elder sister.I knew she would miss someone today.She often says,"you know you are a born mother."
Suddenly I got up..ran for a packet..unwrapped it..took a plate, went into drawing room.I am a responsibile volunteer..so I had to offer "mithayi" to everyone now.
Seeing me everyone smiled back.
:)
I was so..soo happy for her,it was completely a new moment for me..it felt like a younger sister or daughter of mine is gonna get married..a sudden feeling of peak happiness with a feeling of loosing someone so dear....anyways..
Though she is my aunt(pa's sister), almost 1.5 times of my age but she's more like a sister or a friend..and I'hv been her all time counsellor,guide...and atlast one and only niece.But I never knew she loves me this much..she really does.Each time I see her now,I silently pray..may God bless her with all the happiness and goodluck.

Miss you..

I got a call from him.
He asked,"should I come back? as its quite late now.As you only, always ask me to stay there when its late.".
I said,"Yes..sure.do come.We all are waiting for you yaar.please come soon."
And there he comes...I see him.He looked bit dark and low.Though its 11.30pm but still its day outside.We all were having lunch..probably.He took a deep sigh and landed on sofa,seemed tired, still relaxed.
I went to him,kissed him and asked,"where'd you gone yar...I miss you."
He kept silence.

and I open my eyes slowly..it's 6'o clock in morning.
Suddenly comes into my mind..ohh,its raksha-bandhan today.
And I simply..smile..
thanks Bhai.you came.

yeah...it was a dream,Lost him two years back in a road accident.and he was only 27.
Life...

Later told my aunt(pa's sister),I saw him today.And she said,"you know...you'r one sacred soul.that's why things like this happen to you only." Her words reminded me of something else.
I smiled..again...

Stranger

It was around 11 in morning.And he just took the same auto I was going for.Anyways he let me sit first (at left side) and then rushed inside the auto.Had a heavy bag with him.Auto driver asked him to put it up there at back side and the poor guy had to.But then only I felt my handbag slipping down my lap and I gave him a irritate look..he got scared.But as I held it back I found actually, my bags strap got shuffled with his bag's and so..I felt sorry ,couldn't help but smiled.I observed him later only,he was nice,smart and well behaved.
Trying to be humble,I started the conversation.He was very kind and attentive in replying to me.
Me-"so..going home?"
He-"yes".
Me-"which school?"
He-"R.K.Mission."
Me-"Ohh,thats very good.which class?"
He-"7th." (then the proud man looked at me and returned a sweet smile with dimples in both of his cheeks.)
And I was lost.He was damm cute.
Me-"My bro too's been a student there.Teachers there are quite strict ,right?"
He-"yes..they scold really hard and give alot homework."(and I could see we were friends now)
And the conversation kept going on till our stop.
He made my day.I still remember his round fair face,bright eyes and dimple smile.
Now my eyes search for him each time I go onto that route around 11.
:)